Happy 20th Birthday Danielle Elizabeth! March 5, 1993.
20 years ago today, I gave birth to the tiniest little baby girl but the HUGEST fireball that ever blessed the County of Jefferson! lol I could hear the doctors excitedly say, “this one’s a WILD one” when she flipped her angry little baby body right out of their hands. She flipped her little body right off the scales when they were weighing her, as if she were a fish out of water. I should have known then that she was going to keep me on my toes. The first half of her life, she brought me chaos but more joy than I ever thought possible with a child. She was creative and had the brightest imagination of ALL my girls. She loved beautiful things, music, flowers and had so much passion. She was every bit as intense as I knew she would be. Mom’s just know things even when they’re carrying their babies inside, safe and warm. It wasn’t an easy pregnancy and she danced and did acrobats on my kidney’s and bladder and liver every single night and day of the 9 months I carried her. I used to BEG her to let me sleep but she wouldn’t comply, ever. I used to cry because it actually HURT to carry her. I couldn’t have known then that those would be some of the best days. The days when I didn’t have to share her with anyone else. I wish I would have known to cherish them. I don’t share well now and I never did.
I haven’t spent time with Danielle for 3 years now. She wanted her own life and we didn’t agree on the “rules”. I tried to protect her from herself and this big ole bad world. You can’t keep a butterfly alive in a jar with a tight lid. They’ll die. I thought I could though. I tried, I really did. People tell me she’s doing fine now and conquering the world. Yet, I hear from others that she’s her own worst enemy and does things to put her life in danger. She chose a life of drugs and endless partying. That was precisely what I was trying to protect her from because I saw it coming. Her father is an addict and she ran to him because she knew she could get away with anything… and she did.
I pray that God keeps her safe from herself and shows her all the potential that she was born with. I pray that she grows out of this phase of life where she feels indestructible and she eventually remembers all the love that we used to share. I pray that she remembers ALL of us who loved her so very much. She’s a stubborn one though. Even more so that me. She’s got my temper and stubbornness and her fathers idealism and stubbornness and it will take a miracle to break down those walls. I’ve got time though. We never really give up on our children, do we? Even when it would be easier to just walk away. I’m thankful for the time we DID have and I’m thankful for the blessings she’s shown me. God, PLEASE keep her in your loving arms, safe and warm like she used to be.
Every year I post the song that was playing when she was born. I had the radio on in my room and at the exact minute of her arrival, “Here Comes the Rain” by the Cult came on. It was prophetic, really. AND strange because it was one of her father’s favorite songs. She’s HIS girl now but she sure used to be a mommy’s girl. Happy birthday baby. You’ll NEVER be able to kill my love ♥