One of the best things that happened to me a few days ago, on my birthday, was receiving a birthday card from my Mother-in-law. Most years she forgets to send out cards so I’m ALWAYS honored when I go to the mailbox and see her handwriting on the outside of an envelope. I’ve got to give her credit though because she’s a whole lot better about remembering than I am! I’m ashamed to admit that I truly suck at making a day special for my loved ones. The people living in my house reap the rewards but those that don’t live here rarely get remembered.
The point of the post isn’t to talk about remembering though. It’s to tell you how I’ve been SO blessed by my husband’s family. You all know by now, what MY family is like. I don’t know what it’s like to have a close family or what it’s like to truly be loved by a family. I know what it’s like to be “judged” and “used” by my family. It was a shock when I was shown unconditional love by a family who didn’t have to show me love.
First of all, I want to tell you what the card said from my Mother-in-law…
“Any woman can be a daughter-in-law.
But it takes a certain spirit,
an openness,and generosity of heart
to make the “in-law” part
leaving that comfortable word
You’re a caring person…
and your presence
in the life of our family
is simply a gift. “
Dang! That made me cry. I don’t even know how to accept love or compliments! I guess it hit me so hard because my own mother doesn’t feel the same way AND I know that Katherine (Mother-in-law) really feels this way.
She didn’t have to accept me the way she did. Ben’s family had gone through the horror of his 3 other marriages before I arrived. They’d “accepted” every one of these former wives, even when they knew they’d never last. Ben had a definite “history” when it came to women, that’s for sure. But that’s a post for another day! I’ll save THAT for when he makes me mad 😉 lol I need to tell you that these people are Christian’s of the Southern Baptist type. They scared me and that’s NO joke! I’m Catholic and it’s no secret that Baptists don’t like Catholics. These people actually READ the bible and LIKE the bible. Except for religion class in Catholic school (a million years ago), I’d never read even part of the bible. Ben’s family doesn’t just go to church on Sunday morning but Sunday night and Wednesday nights. Their recreational activities revolve around church. Mine never have. They’re also very “Southern” people who didn’t really know or trust “Yankee’s” such as they think I am! lol They’re the type of people who say “Well, bless her heart”, in the sweetest most loving way. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized that Southern people say this only when they think you’ve done something really stupid and they’re too kind to call you out on it.
When I tell you about Ben’s Christian family, you might imagine people who don’t live what they preach. Christians get a bad rap for being hypocrites but not THESE people and most especially NOT his mother! She lives what she preaches and believes. Only she doesn’t preach at all. She leads by example. She very quietly sits and reads her bible and only talks about it if you ask her about it. She’ll mention something in passing but doesn’t shove it down your throat. She’s so kind and loving that you can actually FEEL her love as soon as you get out of the car to hug her. I’ve never been around anyone like this. She believes in being a submissive wife. It’s no secret that I DO NOT believe that I should EVER be submissive to ANYONE, but most especially my husband, her son. I could go on and on.
Okay, you can imagine the amount of adjustment my new Texas family had to go through and that I had to go through for a few years. Although, they never let me see that they were having to adjust to me. I’m loud and bossy and sarcastic. I say words like “God” when I get mad (that’s a very bad word to them) and I call people “dumb asses”. They probably dropped to their knees at night in prayer over the things I’ve said and did! They only showed the world how proud they were of me though. I have ONLY ever been shown love by my mother-in-law. She’s cried with me and laughed with me. She’s felt my losses as if they were her own and she’s shared her thoughts and feelings with me.
Most of all, she’s treated my children as if they were her own grandchildren. I wasn’t expecting that and neither were my kids. We knew they’d TREAT my children with love and respect but we just weren’t prepared for them to actually LOVE them. My girls feel closer to Katherine than they do their own biological grandparents.
(Here’s one of my daughters snuggling in Memaw’s bed with “Ming-Shoe” the doll that Katherine made for her. Julia feels safe and comfy in Memaw’s bed and I love that!)
(she just sits, ready to give love to all her little one’s no matter their age)
Most of the time I spend in Texas, Katherine allows me to run her house the way I do everywhere I go. You know the Mother-in-law on the sit com “Everybody Loves Raymond” right? That’s how I expect mother-in-laws to be but not Katherine. She’s happy to sit and read a book while I destroy her kitchen. And TRUST me, I DO know how to destroy a kitchen. She’s so gracious and never imposes her will on me. In fact, I’m pretty sure I impose my will on her. She’s not used to a whole lot of commotion and when I’m there, I bring my chaotic life crashing into her’s. I’ll never forget the time she asked me if she could “help” in the kitchen. Of course, I thought I was being considerate and polite when I told of “of COURSE you CAN’T help in the kitchen”. I just wanted her to sit there and rest. I felt like I didn’t want her to go through any trouble when my family was there. For YEARS I did this. Finally, a few years ago, she so softly, and kindly explained to me that sometimes a mother wants to feel wanted and needed. We live over 10 hours away from her and she never gets to be a “mom”. Sometimes she likes to show US how much she loves us. Wow! She didn’t want me to be ashamed because she’d NEVER want anyone to feel shame BUT I was SO ashamed. I learned to step out of the way and allow her to be the mom when she wants to be the mom.
(here’s me not only taking over her kitchen but taking over her kitchen AND even wearing her apron! lol)
(Another picture of the mess I make in her kitchen but THIS time I had some help from my little niece Selah!)
(here I am even taking over her Christmas tree… Geeze, I’m just so BOSSY! lol)
Like I’ve already said, my Mother-in-law teaches by example. She rarely needs words. She’s watched, through the years, as I’ve ignorantly allowed my children to get themselves into trouble. I was a LOT more lenient than she would have been but I had more faith in my girls than I should have. I allowed one of my daughters to spend WAY too much time with some boys she met and became friends with in Texas. They were friends of the family’s so I felt like it would be okay. It got to the point where she was never home for dinner and she would only come in once a day to say hello to Memaw and GG (Katherine’s mother). I didn’t want to be too strict with my daughter and I wanted her to have fun too so I allowed her to spend the night camping with these friends and family. I could tell that it was bothering Katherine (mine and my daughter’s actions were not only improper but just down right rude) so I began to make my daughter stay home more often. After all, we were only there for a week or two. Later, we found out that my daughter was doing things that I won’t mention here. Point being that Katherine knew she was in trouble and instead of imposing her opinions or judgments on me, she quietly let me know that I was being too lenient by her actions. She prayed for my daughter and cried when she learned that my daughter was hurt and was going down the wrong road. She cried real tears like she would do for her own biological granddaughter. I still can’t get over that.
Over last summer, when I was hospitalized in ICU, my husband called his family and I guess told them that I wasn’t going to make it. They’ve been in this rodeo more than once with me and have never made the drive to St. Louis to come to the hospital. I didn’t expect them to this time either because Katherine is responsible for taking care of her 93 year old mother. Besides the fact that her OWN health isn’t great. The trip is very hard on them and impossible now for GG. My sister-in-law told me that Katherine prayed about it and felt like God was telling her to “go now”. They immediately packed the family up and made the hard drive with 2 small children and 3 adults JUST to see me one more time. I don’t think they expected me to be conscious but when they walked into my hospital room, I was awake and able to speak. I believe I was hanging on because my husband told me that I needed to hang on just a little while longer to see “Mom”. I remember feeling SO much love radiating from Katherine when she walked through that door! It made me WANT to get better for her. I promised her that it wasn’t my time yet and that God was good and I was sure I was going to live. Actually, I was more worried about her making that trip and then turning around and needing to go home the very next day. SHE wasn’t though. She was there for me, to hug me and to hold my hand and pray, in person, over me. The way a REAL mother would.
(Katherine lovingly does her mother’s hair for church so that GG can feel beautiful too.)
I feel unworthy to call Katherine “Mom”. I know she wants me to and she certainly deserves the title… but something inside me won’t let me most days. I feel like to be her “daughter” , I should be a whole lot more deserving or full of grace. I’m getting better about it but I’ve been in the family for 12 years. Today, instead of feeling unworthy, I just want to take a second to thank God for this woman who has shown my family and I so much love. I’m smart enough to recognize that’s it’s not very often that a wife can brag about the fact that they actually LIKE their mother-in-law. I don’t just LOVE her, I respect her and actually LIKE her. Thank you God for this woman. Because of her, I know the love of a real mother and I am blessed.
(she loves us all like we were her very own)